So Fucked Up.

So, so fucked up.

Je suis graisse. Et je suis content.

Correct me if Im wrong (yes, the title as well) but I now weigh 48kg, cannot fit my size 6 dresses, still have 2 months of winter to go and am piling on the pounds in the meantime, but! I am happier. Well, at least happier than if I were to put on weight back in Singapore, which would have never happened anyway.

I remember doing at least one to two good workouts a week in those good ol' days, either playing soccer or hitting the gym, or running around berserk (hey everyone's got their own problems, kay.) I'd eat three meals a day, sometimes two, and by july I had resolved, to my boyfriend's horror, to eat only salads for lunch (and KFC's chicken salad doesn't count!)

Well the salad diet never really took off, I think I love my food alot more than I can 'fess up to. But one thing that haunts me is how much I believed that I looked better thinner, and no matter how many people told me I was thin, as long as I had that pinchable flab around my tummy and thighs, I was FAT.

It never occurred to me that it could become an obsession. I did acknowledge that I was becoming thinner, and I was actually truly happier to see my 'target' fulfilled. I knew that the way I lived was contributing to my slow, but steady weight loss, and I was pretty keen on continuing it. Being fit and thin made me feel confident about myself-- besides, I enjoyed keeping to an exercise routine and it really pumped up my energy for the week.

All these good reasons, yet on hindsight I realised that if anything were to happen to me that would render me unable to stay in shape (size 6, comfortably, mind you) I would feel awful. Not simply because of the 'lack of adrenaline rush'-- bloody excuses-- at the end of the day, I would feel fat. And would want to be thin. And stay thin. Forever.

Being here is not always better than being in Singapore. I miss my boyfriend like... like hell, sometimes, and most times, alot. I miss my family and my close friends. As stuck up and anal as Singapore can be, it has its fantastic sides to it-- top rate efficiency and a government who knows how to pamper its big 45 year old baby with its complete package of stability, hospitality and lots of parental guidance, requiring only commitment and CPF funds in return. Oh right, and Medisave.

But in its almost too-cautionary, tight-fisted and conservative approach to many issues, big or small, we have avoided much pitfalls of the bigger, badder nations, and have less mistakes to pay for as well. Promoting a healthy lifestyle is a direct counter to the typical, highly stressed-out Singaporean lifestyle of long work hours and the increasing retirement age, and the never ending sprouting of shopping malls ensures that capital is constantly on the move and is lubricating well the cogs that require big money to keep it the nation going. Oh, we are certainly a nation of ironies, but hey! Which country isn't? At least we don't throw our face being hypocrites :)

I could easily blame the increasingly consumerist culture for implanting in my mind the need to consume to make me happy, but I doubt that it was solely the fault of the environment; obviously as the only person who can make decision for myself I played a bigger role in imbuing this mantra into my way of life. Then, thank whatever it is that got me here-- where I realised that not only is it better to wear many layers in order not to freeze, its also equally okay to keep those layers in you.

Big, can be beautiful. Eat up, hunnies.

Bah Humbug

First of all, to anyone who still visits the blog (gasp!) I sincerely apologise for my, er, lack of existence. Then again I sincerely doubt that my retreat from the superfluous net world would have made any big impact on anyone's lives, or for anyone to need to see my living, breathing words to be resuscitated into either overwhelming relief or other immense emotion. No I think the world has gotten on just fine; probably has one less idiot to think (even?) about.

I doubt this blog will go far; nevertheless, it is a new year and we will keep making resolutions as is our timely tradition. Oh, and break them as is tradition as well. Please feel free to imagine me speaking as Stewie would in Family Guy because right now his voice resonates in my brain as I type. Anyone up for a sexy party?

Okay what is seriously wrong with me, the first post and I almost disable myself trying to get my points and thoughts across. Anyway I have realised thus far that taking pictures insanely excessively seems to be only a norm to us Asians and continues to befuddle everyone else. So as much as I would (not really) love uploading every split second of my life in London, it is quite embarrassing and also silly to do so. Pictures, photographs and images, after all, are 2 freaking dimensional.

Don't mind my negative surly nature, it has been tormenting me everyday. Fucker.

Okay take care loviedoves, I will try to be faithful! <3